Some of the greatest challenges
in parenting take place during your child's teenage years. In his book
"The Power of Positive Parenting," Dr. Glen Latham says,
"Without question, the most stressful years for parents are when their
children are between 13 and 20." While experiences vary from one
individual to the next, there are some problems many teenagers have in common
regarding their relationship with their parents. Knowing what those problems
are can help you and your teenager successfully navigate the transitional years
between childhood and adulthood.
Discipline
One of the most difficult
problems to contend with is appropriate discipline. Part of this can be
attributed to the changed parent-child dynamic. When your son is young, simply
telling him your expectations and administering the appropriate consequence is
enough to compel his obedience. However, your teenage son may be more
aggressive in his attempts to resist your authority. As frustrating as this is,
it is fairly normal teenage behavior. Your son is trying to determine how flexible
his boundaries are now that he is older. To minimize the conflict , Latham
recommends tying responsibilities to privileges. For example, tell your
son he can take the car when his chores are done. Do not allow yourself to get
drawn into counterproductive arguments with him. He will either complete his
work or give up access to the car. Let him make the choice.
Communication
Another problem teenagers and
parents struggle with is ineffective communication. As a young girl, your
daughter came to you with problems she hoped you could solve for her. However,
as a teenager, she may want validation of her feelings and understanding from
you, not necessarily a solution. Well-intentioned suggestions will not be
received well if your daughter was not asking for advice. Furthermore, if she
interprets your comments as criticism, she may retaliate, which could
lead to hurt feelings on both sides and provoke further arguments. To avoid
this it is very important that you listen more than you talk when you are
conversing with your teenager. Try to refrain from giving advice unless
she asks for it.
Differences of Opinion
Up until this point in his
life, your son has probably adopted your values and beliefs regarding
education, family and religion as his own. However, during adolescence many
teenagers begin to question the values and beliefs they were raised with in an
effort to separate their true feelings from those of their parents. According
to Latham, this period of questioning is both normal and appropriate. However, it
does have the potential for conflict if one or the other of you feels
disrespected. As the parent, the obligation to remain calm and reasonable falls
on you. Model unconditional acceptance for your child by your willingness to
thoughtfully consider his point of view. Show him the appropriate way to
respectfully disagree with someone by expressing your opinions firmly, but
politely. Your son should make his own choices about his beliefs. You want him
to think independently and trust his instincts.
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